Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
