I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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