her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
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