Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
