I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
