before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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