He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
