Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
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