she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
