ya dads aren't the best wingmen
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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