Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Houston, we have a blender
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
