I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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