my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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