I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He has the fingertips of a God
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
