Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
