Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
