she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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