I cannot find my penis.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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