Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
