OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
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this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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