I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
