My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
