I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
