I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
