i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
