You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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