I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
