guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
