The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You ate ashes out of my bong
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
