Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
