she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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