Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
