My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can't turn off my feet"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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