I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
