my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
