Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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