i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
