The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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