I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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