he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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