You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
