just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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