It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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