So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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