Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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