Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
