In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
