Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
