Sponge bath it is.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
