just come out here and I will go home with you...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
