You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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