I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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