Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
