Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
