he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So apparently I’m into choking now
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
