I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
