i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
