My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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