it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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