hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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