I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
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